Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels