Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.

Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.

Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.