Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

Dead
Alive
Other✔

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

🎵 I can’t wait to

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.