Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.

One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*