Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.

Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

[my first attempt at standup]

ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…

MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!

“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card