Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
You Might Also Like
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
for all #parents out there
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets