Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

m’lady

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.