Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.