Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
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wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?
It fired boohlets.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*