Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?