@bornmiserable

Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.

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@SamGrittner

“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks

@MamaFizzles

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

@Sickayduh

Dealer: You followed?

Geologist: No man. Its cool.

*dealer opens trenchcoat and metamorphic rocks fall out

Geologist: Gneiss… Gneiss

@BlindChow

*uses Oujia board*

?????? ???? ?????

me: what’s updog?

??? ????, ???, ???? ????? ?? ??????? ???? ???

me: what

cat: what

@stockejock

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

@SteveDutzy

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

@FilthyRichmond

I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.

@junejuly12

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit