Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
You Might Also Like
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
OKAY DAD
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.