Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.