Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*