Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.

due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.