Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
this is the best day of my life
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.