Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

Yeah. This was me today.

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners