Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.

A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list

me: *writes* ‘chicken’

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth

YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…

Oh

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

Saw this yesterday lol

Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat