Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
