Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
A termite walks into a tavern and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.