*jazz hands*
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
I hate my earbuds.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you