*jazz hands*
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me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Who wants to be my Valentine?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Cashiers are always checking me out
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.