Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?

My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

“How cute. You have smile lines”

Me: those are from clenching my jaw

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid

Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*

Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?

I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now