Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

“An eye for an eye?”

– a cannibal at a swap meet

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.

Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.

Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.