Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?