Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
You Might Also Like
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
car not found
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination