Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
thank god the sign was there
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..