Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Seems kinda suspicious
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme