Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at the coffee shop:

“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”

Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.

Width of elevator: 5 feet.

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

Body by cheese-puffs.