Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*

Judge: plz tell the court what happened

Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]

Judge: that doesn’t hold any water

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.

People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.

i’m gonna allow it