Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you