Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
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I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
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Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.