Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

Milk Cube

Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

Ice skating is like walking in cursive