Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.