Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*has no idea what a book even is*
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you