Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Date: I don’t think we should see each other again

Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it

Date: Well, yes

Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?