Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
You Might Also Like
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having