Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.