Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
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Please vote for people who are attractive
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
This is why I hate group projects
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…