Jeans are once again asking too much of me.
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I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
My dog has chewed my resume. This explains the gap, right there
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Cat.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz