Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Do not steal food from the science building!

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches

ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*