Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.

Is this anything

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.