Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
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Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.