Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

I milked the cow

“We don’t have a cow”

the neighbors’ cow then

“Their cat?”

Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo

“Meow”

Ah shoot

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.