Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever