[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left