Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀