JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
*limbos away from your hug*
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!