@jonnysun

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

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@_Water_Baby

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@Mr_Kapowski

INTERVIEWER: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?

ME: Great memory, which would be an asset to this Chili’s

INTERVIEWER: Applebee’s

@david8hughes

[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

@NewDadNotes

[shopping with my wife]

Wife: why does a refrigerator need WiFi?

Me: so it can Netflix and Chill : )

Wife:

Me:

Wife: excuse me Sir, does this have a return policy?

Employee: the fridge?

Wife: my husband.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them

@rynchantress

Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀

@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning