@jonnysun

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

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@AndrewsNotFunny

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

@AristotlesNZ

My psychiatrist says we need to work on my intimacy issues but then he’s always the one who refuses to snuggle with me on his couch.

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

@GoodNaps

*in court*
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

@fro_vo

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

@KylePlantEmoji

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

@LukeMones

This google docs thing is lame. Whatever happened to those viruses that turned your screen into a laughing skull & shut down the power grid?

@TheBoydP

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…