Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
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When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
God has left this place
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?