Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”

i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation

Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.