Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
You Might Also Like
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Sounds like a bargain
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*