Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Animal poetry
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?