Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
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You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Breaking news:
absolutely not
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water