Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

“are you just going to lay in bed all day”

would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??

[In Bed]

Her: You feeling spicy tonight?

Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!