Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Math at Halloween.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
“I FIXED IT!”
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*me flirting
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.