Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way