Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.