Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

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I put on my pants just like the rest of you, once or twice a month because of an appointment.


Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.


First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.


When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.


my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is “sorry, I was drunk.”

But now everyone thinks I’m an alcoholic so..shit.


94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down


Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*


[me] sorry I’m late, boss. I hit a tree on my way here
[two trees in the forest] so I’m just standing there & this guy walks up and slaps me


Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.