@TuSoonShakur

Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.

There was no expiration date, Carl.

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@MrsMikePatton

My boyfriend got pissed because I didn’t swallow. Is it my fault I have a nut allergy?

@donni

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@Sadieisonfire

I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish

@HeyJennyLeone

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

@Matt_The_1st

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@Fred_Delicious

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]

“no actually”

@IsoJoeJR

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.