Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
You Might Also Like
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If you know, you know
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Siri: Retweet me.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana