Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4