Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

P Diddy or P Didn’t he?

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene

I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank

My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.