Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4