Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.