Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
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You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”