Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

just gave your address to some spiders

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.