Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
You Might Also Like
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
This is what makes twitter great
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that