Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
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Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Always…
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.