jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
never forget
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m ready to try another planet.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
these can’t be my only options
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Babe, are you today’s date cuz you’re a 1/10
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had