jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
i think both sides are to blame here
This could’ve been an email.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime