jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Ok but actually
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Shortcut
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.