Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
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Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
that’s not arthritis. It’s early onset rigamortus.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit