Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.

[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.