Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
😂😂
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*