Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.