Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we

I read that the average Thanksgiving dinner for 10 people this year will cost around $58. I can only imagine they must be figuring the 10 people will be small children and the only thing they’ll be eating is the dinner rolls

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped