Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
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Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Simple
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars