Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas

[Painfully long pause]

ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking

I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.

wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.

Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.

Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.

Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.