Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
wait a minute….
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away