Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?