Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name lol.

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?

Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*

Judge: Case dismissed.

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I’m having an out of money experience.