Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

seems like a niche market

You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

Botany good plants lately?

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.